I sat there waiting as patiently as possible. My leg bouncing uncontrollably, I can’t help but stare at the pink and white stick laying face down in my lap. I just had to make sure but I really didn’t  want it to be so. I tried to distract myself with anything else in the bathroom but my foster mom had decorated it like one of those 30 year old sunburn house-wifes, so it didn’t do any good.Though I was supposed to wait five minutes I ended up waiting ten because I was too scared to turn it over. Eventually it came time to turn it over and… staring back at me were two pink lines.

 I was pregnant. 

“Hey um, Mom I have something to ask of you if that’s ok.” 

 “Yes, pumpkin is everything ok?”

“Yeah, well no…I mean sorta, I was wondering if you could schedule me an appointment…for an abbortion. I swear I haven’t done anything since I’ve been here, this was you know before.”

 “Yes of course, thank you for coming to me with such a thing. So did you take a test?” “Yeah.” I walked back to the bathroom and picked up the pregnancy stick then turned back to hand it to my mom. 

“Oh, I see. Yeah, I’ll set up an appointment for later this week.”

She left my room and all I could do was think about this decision. Was I making the right one? Would I even be able to be a mother? Is this what I want for my life?  

Most of the nights leading up I stayed in my room and  I couldn’t sleep but the nights I could, I only ever had nightmares. Some about me dying during labor, some about my baby going to foster care. I woke up in a cold sweat. What kind of dream was that? I hope that doesn’t really happen.I would break down into tears and stay up the rest of the night. 

“Mom please come on, I really don’t want to be late for my appointment.”She gets up, grabs her purse and keys.

 “Sweetheart, why are we leaving so early? Your appointment is not until one?”

“Sorry I didn’t mean to rush you but you know it’s a twenty-five minute drive so we need to leave now.”

“Ok whatever you say pumpkin, I´ll be right out you just wait in the car.”

 I’ve only been with my foster mom for about 2 weeks now. 

“So ummm, do you know who the father is?”

I quickly replied, “yes, of course I do.” I was a little offended that she even asked but I know she was just trying to help.

 I knew exactly who he was. He was the one and only person I had in that horrifying home for the abandoned, that’s what the Dss worker referred to as anyway. “Do you know where he is now?”

“Actually…no I don’t, he um had to leave.”

 “Oh, I see. Well I’m really sorry to hear that sweetie.” 

Right before I was adopted he turned 18 and was thrown out into the streets. I really hope he’s doing ok I thought. Why do I always make such poor decisions? I should have never risked having a baby. We came to a stop at a gas station and my mother turned to me and grabbed my hands with hers. I was so nervous, what is going on? I really hate when things get serious like this. 

 “Carly, Honey,are you absolutely positive this is what you want, because if not I promise to help you raise this baby and maintain…”

“Mom, this is truly what I want, I can’t take care of a baby right now and I will not, absolutely not send my baby to a foster home to be…”

 I noticed I was yelling and she looked kinda scared so I lowered my voice back down, “This is what I want, yes.”

 “Okay sweetheart, I understand. I support you no matter what decision you make and I’ll be by your side through the whole thing.”

She opens the door and starts to get out. “Oh and one more thing, please do not tell your father about this. You know his beliefs on this kind of stuff, anyway be right back.”

I’m not too sure I agree with my foster father. He has no idea what it’s like, what I’ve been through. I will make sure my baby doesn’t go through what I did.Kids were always misbehaving, fighting each other, throwing tantrums,even older kids. I never did any of these things though. I tried to keep to myself ,however many times I would disagree with the way things were handled and I would speak up about it. 

“You can’t just punish kids because they wouldn’t listen to your unfair rules!” Every time the DSS worker would grab me by the arm and throw me in my walk in a closet sized room. 

“You can sit here and think about what you just said and why these rules are in place.” Tears overwhelmed my eyes every time I heard her keys jingle and the click of the lock. How long would I be in here for? When will I get dinner? The longest I spent there was a day and a half without anything or anyone except food, but that was brought to me.We had no help for our mental problems either. For many years I was all alone either in my room or to the side, that was until I met the father of this baby of course. I really am grateful and lucky for my mom, some kids don’t get good homes. 

Pulling up to the abortion clinic was so terrifing. I felt my chest tinten and my heart dropped to my stomach. Would they make me have this baby?  My mother was holding my hand while we drove past all the protesters. They aren’t going to hurt me are they? They screamed so louds at us.

“Please don’t kill your baby”,  “Murder”,  “Babies have rights too.“  It felt like everything around me was going 90 mph. We just hurried inside to get away from them. We checked in and waited until I was called back. I was given the choice for my mom to come back with me and even though we aren’t that close I needed her. The doctors were asking me a bunch of questions and making sure I’m comfortable. They first went in with an ultra sound and then the doctor said something really strange, so impossible.

  “Carly, I’m afraid you’re not pregnant.”

 “That’s impossible. I took a bunch of tests, Ik im pregnant so can we please proceed with the procedure.”

“I can’t proceed if you’re not pregnant.” This doctor was being ridiculous.

 “I am pregnant now please get this baby out of me, I am not sending it to foster care.” I started banging on the bed “It will not go back, It will not go back , It.. I will not go back, I will not go back.” “Please, please don’t make me go back.” My eyes are watering at this point, the doctor steps aside with my mother 

“We discussed on the phone that you would put her under and pretend to do the procedure.”

 “Ma´ma I cannot do that, Itś not right. I would rather call in professional help.” He calls a nurse who comes in and gives me a shot. When I wake up there is a lady in a suite sitting at the end of the bed.

  “Is it over?”

 “Hey Carly, im Dr.walker, Now Carly listen to me, you are not pregnant.”

  “but I…”

“This baby isn’t you and you aren’t going back to foster care. Now I am going to prescribe you with this, it’s for PTSD…”